Introduction
The institution of marriage has been a cornerstone of human society for millennia. Marriage is one of the most significant decisions a person can make, and for Christians, it is a covenant relationship ordained by God. In today’s culture, marriage is often portrayed as the culmination of romantic love, a relationship entered into when two people “fall in love.” However, throughout history, arranged marriages have been the norm in many cultures, including those where Christian values are central. As Christians, we are called to seek God’s guidance in all aspects of our lives, including our relationships. This blog explores the differences between arranged marriages and modern marriage approaches based on falling in love, examining which leads to more successful marriages, the divorce rates associated with each, and what the Bible teaches about choosing a life partner. Whether you’re contemplating marriage, already married, or advising someone who is, this blog offers biblical wisdom and practical advice to help navigate the path to a fulfilling and God-honoring marriage.
The Biblical Perspective on Marriage
The Bible provides clear guidance on the institution of marriage. In Genesis 2:18, God declares, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable helper for him.” This verse suggests that marriage is a divine institution intended to provide companionship, love, and support. Throughout the Bible, marriage is portrayed as a sacred covenant between a man and a woman, reflecting the covenant relationship between God and His people.
Arranged Marriages: A Tradition with Biblical Roots
Arranged marriages have had a long history in many cultures, including during biblical times. In the Western world, the idea of arranged marriages might seem antiquated or even unromantic. However, arranged marriages are still prevalent in many cultures and often lead to stable, long-lasting unions. The difference lies in how these marriages are initiated. In arranged marriages, families play a significant role in selecting a spouse, often considering factors such as compatibility, shared values, and long-term goals. While the specific practices may vary, the underlying principle is often based on the belief that families and communities are best positioned to find suitable partners for their children. Love, in these cases, is seen as something that grows over time.
Modern Marriages: Love and Romance
In contrast, modern marriages in the West are typically based on romantic love – two individuals meet, fall in love, and decide to marry. While this approach celebrates personal choice and emotional connection, it also places a heavy burden on those emotions to sustain the marriage. Especially for first marriages, the individuals may be young and inexperienced. Even for older more mature people, those who have previously been married, and those who have had the experience of multiple romantic experiences or marriages, these decisions are often based on subjective emotional feelings and circumstances that could affect a person’s decision.
Compatibility is a factor that is heavily weighted in the decision-making for these types of marriages. That is also subjective and shaky, as wrong judgment may occur. People may mask their attitudes or true feelings or even lie about situations. When the mask comes off it will be a different story. When the initial passion fades, or the circumstances that made marriage to a person seem attractive no longer exist couples may find themselves questioning the foundation of their decision and their relationship. During courtship do not compromise the values and standards that are most important to you. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this approach, it is important to recognize that romantic love alone may not be sufficient to sustain a long-term marriage.
Success Rates and Divorce
Statistics show that arranged marriages often have lower divorce rates compared to love marriages. According to some studies, the divorce rate in arranged marriages is less than 10%, while love marriages have a significantly higher rate, often exceeding 40%. This difference can be attributed to various factors, including the involvement of family support in arranged marriages and the commitment to making the marriage work despite challenges.
However, it’s essential to consider that success in marriage isn’t solely about staying together; it’s about building a relationship that reflects love, respect, and mutual growth. Both types of marriages can succeed or fail, depending on the couple’s commitment to these principles.
The Importance of Love, Commitment, and God’s Guidance
Regardless of whether a marriage is arranged or based on romantic love, the key to a successful union lies in love, commitment, and seeking God’s guidance. Love is not merely an emotion but a choice to prioritize the well-being of one’s spouse. Commitment involves a lifelong dedication to a marriage, especially when challenges arise. Seeking God’s wisdom is essential for dealing with the complexities of marriage and maintaining a strong spiritual connection.
What Does the Bible Say About Choosing a Life Partner?
The Bible offers timeless wisdom on marriage, emphasizing the importance of love, commitment, and faithfulness. While the Bible does not prescribe a specific method for choosing a spouse, it provides principles that should guide Christians in this decision.
Love and Respect: Ephesians 5:25-33 highlights the importance of love and respect in marriage, comparing the relationship between husband and wife to that of Christ and the Church. This passage underscores that love in marriage is sacrificial, selfless, and enduring—not just an emotional high.
Divine Guidance: Proverbs 3:5-6, encourages believers to trust in the Lord with all their heart and not rely solely on their understanding. This is important when choosing a life partner. Seeking God’s guidance in prayer and aligning with His will can lead to a blessed, successful, and fulfilling marriage.
Godly Christian Guidance: An experienced Christian marriage counselor, your parents, older siblings, an experienced pastor, or older experienced Christian relatives or friends can also help to guide you in a Godly way. They may often have insights you do not have or are not giving enough importance to. They know you well and can spot incompatibilities and challenges that may arise
Compatibility Based on Values and Attitudes: 2 Corinthians 6:14 advises Christians not to be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers, highlighting the importance of shared faith and values in marriage. Compatibility in faith and purpose is vital for a strong, God-centered marriage.
Compatibility Based on Family Background: This does not always mean a person will be one way or another because there are always exceptions. This, however, is very important and is often overlooked or minimized as a consideration (1 Corinthians 7:39).
Christians are free to marry whomever they choose, as long as the potential spouse is “in the Lord”. Get to know your future in-laws and see how they interact with each other, with you, and with other people. How intrusive and controlling are they? A person should be loving to their parents but should not condone wrong behavior to anyone, let alone the person who is to be or is their life partner and vice versa. Genesis 2:24, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”. Allegiance to God and his word is greater than allegiance to parents or spouses.
How biased are they in their assessment of others versus how they assess the behavior of members of their family? Matthew 7:1, “Refuse to be a critic full of bias toward others, and you will not be judged.” Some people are inherently unjust and will condone wrong behavior on the part of their family members. If you notice red flags or feel uncomfortable you may need to walk away. If your inner voice alerts you that something is off do not second guess yourself, run!
Cultural Norms and Realities
There are many interracial and cross-cultural marriages. This is an added complexity to the chance of success of a marriage. Cultural norms for one person may seem ridiculous to another. If you cannot respect each other’s culture, you should not pursue the relationship to the point of marriage. People sometimes do so hoping that the other person will change. That is a mistake. If you have a cultural value or practice that is dear to you, would you want someone to try to get you to change it? Remember the golden rule of Jesus that we are to do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12). Also, 1 Corinthians 13:5 states that love, “doth not behave itself unseemly.” This means ridiculing other people and their customs are wrong.
I have a friend, born and raised in the US, who sees marriage as a business transaction. Two people as business partners trying to run a business successfully. Love is neither here nor there as far as she is concerned. She has had that idea since she was a teenager and of her 5 friends, is the only one with a successful first marriage.
My co-worker from a South Asian country said her husband was chosen for her. She said they have issues, but they learn to work them out as divorce is a no-no. She said that over time they learned to love and respect each other. In most Western countries the level of tolerance is much lower, and divorce is the go-to most of the time as soon as an issue arises.
Applying Biblical Wisdom in Modern Marriage
Whether you’re considering an arranged marriage or a modern romance, the key to a successful Christian marriage lies in following biblical principles. Here are some practical tips for applying these principles:
Seek God’s Will: Before entering into a relationship, spend time in prayer, asking God for wisdom and guidance. Trust that He will lead you to the right person who aligns with His purpose for your life. When you get into a relationship ask God to show you if this person and you will work well together, fulfill each other, make successful life partners, and have a marriage that glorifies him.
Take Time to Know Him or Take Time to Know Her: There should be no rush. Spend time to get to know your potential life partner. What does he or she care about? Who does he or she seek to please most of the time? What makes him or her get angry and how does your potential partner for life behave when angry? Does the person or members of their nuclear family have hygiene habits that irk you? Remember, habits are often learned behavior. Do not be too quick to dismiss them by saying, “Seven brothers, seven different minds.” Maybe so, but you may live to regret overlooking it later.
Focus on Character: Whether in an arranged marriage or a love marriage, prioritize character over charm. Look for traits and qualities like kindness, patience, truth, integrity, fairness, humility, and a strong faith in God. If you are a person of excellence and the other person is laid back and lackadaisical, for example, that could signal future problems.
Build a Foundation of Friendship: Love can be a powerful force, but it’s often fleeting if not built on a solid foundation. Cultivate a deep friendship with your partner, rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Involve Wise Counsel: Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.” Seek advice from trusted Christian mentors, family members, or church leaders when making decisions about marriage.
Commit to Growth: Marriage is not a one-time event but a lifelong journey of growth. Commit to growing together in your faith, communication, and love for one another.
Conclusion
Choosing a life partner is one of the most significant decisions you will ever make. Whether through an arranged marriage or a modern romance, the key to a successful Christian marriage lies in following biblical principles of love, commitment, and faithfulness. While arranged and modern “love” marriages may differ in their approaches, seeking God’s guidance is essential for building lasting and fulfilling marriages. By seeking God’s guidance, focusing on character, and building a relationship rooted in faith, you can lay the foundation for a marriage that not only survives but thrives. A marriage that allows you to experience the joy and fulfillment that God intends for us. Remember, how you start the journey is important but how you walk together with God’s grace and guidance is even more critical.